Today is September 11, 2011. I write this blog today with a lot of trepidation and unease but I feel called to write it so what can I do?
Over the past week I have read about, thought about, prayed to and for Father Mychal Judge. He was a Roman Catholic priest of the Franciscan Order of the Friars Minor, Chaplain of the New York City Fire Dept., the first recorded victim of the Sept. 11 attacks at the World Trade Center, and by his own account gay.
The reason I bring this up is not to make points for or against him as an individual but to actually think about what it means; as there is a clear divide in the story telling of what his life meant. Gay bloggers have stated that he was not more out because he was afraid of his Bishop and Cardinal. Cardinal Egan stated lightheartedly, “He loved to take donations from conservative donors and give them to gay organizations.” He was the only priest to march with gay men in the first St. Patrick’s day Parade to allow their entry. He was as open as he wanted to be and was totally unafraid to make known his sexual orientation as he saw fit.
Thomas Von Essen, who was New York City’s Fire Commissioner, said he knew but kept the secret because they both knew other firefighters would not be as accepting. So it seems plain that Father Judge was more concerned about his ministry than his sexual orientation. He wanted to serve firefighters and their families and he knew he could not do that to the extent he longed to if he were as out as gay America would have him be.
Father Mychal encouraged his fellow friars who shared his orientation not to be ashamed of whom they are. How could he do that if he himself where terrified of being defrocked? “Fear not we can all be defrocked together!” Absolutely not! This was never a threat.
I read the Catechism and have noticed the word used most to express our movement toward or away from holiness is charity. Mortal sin, for instance, separates us from our ability to be charitable. This does not mean that if you are able to give someone a dollar you cannot possibly be in the state of mortal sin. There are many reasons a person would want to appear to be charitable while not letting that action penetrate into one’s heart. So the only one who knows true charity is God Himself, it is between you and our maker first and foremost.
Father Mychal certainly seemed to be charitable and to the extent one would deduce he were in the state of grace. Once again there may be no totally accurate way to deduce this but he exhibited this behavior beyond convincingly, as witnessed by his dedication to his ministry to the firefighters of NYC. Anyway, Father Mychal was a celibate priest and had also taken vows as a Franciscan of poverty, chastity, and obedience these realities lived dutifully gave Father Mychal a distinct advantage over anyone of us no matter what he called himself. Because we are not what we have the potential to be, we are what we are. We are not the sins we may commit. We can never be convicted of our potential to sin. St. Augustine had his cross to bear too. Sexual sin is not exclusive to a lesser few; we are all sinners. Maybe not of the same sin but in the light of justice everyone should be praying for mercy from God.
In the confessional once, a long time ago, Father told me, as Father Mychal told his brother friar, that if I feel shame or guilt it’s not from God. It seems God doesn’t want us to feel these negative emotions we beat ourselves up with. He said, “God just wants us back.”
I am sure on September 11, 2001 God got too many good people back and they were lead to his loving arms by victim 0001, Father Mychal Judge.
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